No Longer Painting a Self-Portrait of a Fat Weirdo
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Saint Audacia
She uncoiled from her spinal roll and stood a moment in silence while he watched. “Audacity lives in the middle of my chest, maybe in my sternum,” she said, delighted with her discovery.
He blinked once, twice, shaded his eyes with one large hand and then rubbed at his eyes with his thumb and middle finger. It was his version of an eye roll, and she was used to it.
“So, what are you learning about all this? What does it mean for your practice?” he asked, edgy with barely veiled impatience. He was trying to intimidate her back into their shared reality that was mostly his.
She stared at him now. She wouldn't be dissuaded from her strengths. “I’m learning where my audacity lives and how to access it.”
Now he puffed his cheeks and exhaled loudly and lowered his head.
“Let me show you,” she said.
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After decades of longing, I discovered the perfect Medieval peasant frock, in my size. It sat in my shopping cart until I was able to get Free Shipping.
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Justice, for Only $8.95!
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Everything is Coming Apart
Without a trace of regret, she walked away from it all: the overpriced condo where she’d toasted her liberty after the divorce; the banana-box full of journals she’d been filling for more than 40 years; the framed portrait of grammy and grandpa, stern and sturdy in their Sunday best, and the snapshot of abuelita, barefoot and smiling on her front porch; the woven placemats she had ordered on Amazon and the blue and gold Pyrex baking dish mom had always used to make that apple cake; the chandelier that hung over the dining set and the stubs of used candles she'd been saving for years, just in case plain white tapers ever became inaccessible to her. She was, after all, her grandmothers’ granddaughter after all.
The dogs made it out just fine, though, and together they watched it all burn from a safe distance.
Trust in the power of rest.
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Expand to new elsewheres.
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Love where you are. Be brave. Braver still. Be the Bravery.
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Life is always a game of skill.
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Be the only Kool-Aid you drink.
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I have a great and unyielding desire to touch you.
Make Space for New Thoughts
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Find out who you are and then find companions who support you. Be prepared for your companions to change.
As if there could be a WRONG rabbit hole to go down!
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Break every one of those bones and reset them at a more pleasing angle.
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Whatever we look at, we believe.
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There's only one route, and it's straight through the middle.
Jeannie brought the money to that relationship.
My Favorite Thing
I love the diversity of interests I see at the beach in the Fall. It looks like everyone is doing their best thing. Their favorite thing.
For some it involves standing on a long flat board wearing a wet suit and pushing at the sea with a paddle. They look like they’re having fun.
For some it involves laying fully clothed on a blanket and making space for the suns rays to warm them. They look they’re having fun too.
For others it involves digging holes in the sand and watching them fill with the incoming tides. Or throwing a ball to a dog countless times across the sand. They also look like they’re having fun.
So, why was it hard for me to do my best thing at the beach today? Why this self-consciousness? Wasn’t my best thing as worthy as theirs? I walked to the waters edge and started practicing qui gong. As I moved, I was met with waves of self-consciousness and had to let that go. Then I realized I was showing off, performing for anyone who might be watching. So I had to let that go too. When I started to really practice, I found I wasn’t self-conscious or show-offy at all. I was just having fun, doing my favorite thing.
Plum Island at Sunrise